


Please Do Not Be Groping The Unconcious

by Methoxyethane



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-16
Updated: 2009-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/279003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during AC: Rude and Reno carry Cloud and Tifa home. Minor molestation commences, much to Rude's discomfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Do Not Be Groping The Unconcious

In a broken church in a half-dead city, two Turks stared down at a bed of flowers. Or to be specific, at the pair of unconscious bodies lying _in_ the bed of flowers.

"Well, shit." Reno offered cheerfully.

Rude glanced at his partner. "They're not dead, are they?"

Reno prodded one of the bodies with his foot, and was rewarded with a twitching hand. "Nope. Just out cold."

They stared for a little longer. "So… We should probably do something, huh?" Reno muttered.

"Well, we can't just _leave_ them." Rude sighed. "Should we call someone? Take them to a hospital?"

Reno shrugged, bending over to grab a pale arm, and slinging it around his shoulder. "Nah, I know where they live. Let's just take 'em there."

Rude nodded, leaning down to carefully pick up the other body. He glanced at Reno. "Are you sure you're okay carrying him? Tifa's probably lighter."

"Nah, it's cool. He's not that heavy." He scoffed. "You think he would be, with how badly he's kicked our asses before. Fucker swings that big ass sword around like it's cardboard."

"Yeah." Rude agreed, making his way out of the church. "I always wondered if wasn't secretly made of wood or something."

"Ch! Wouldn't THAT be something- if all those times we were stabbed it was by fucking ceramic or plywood?" Reno paused, glancing over his shoulder at Cloud. "…You think he'd notice if I 'accidentally' knocked his head into a few things on the way home?"

Rude grinned. "Probably."

"I was wrong." Reno panted, climbing the last steps to Tifa's room. "Fucker's HEAVY."

"Hey, I offered to take him instead." Rude pushed open the door to her room, gently laying Tifa on the bed.

Reno just rolled his eyes, dumping his burden on the bed next to Tifa. "Whatever. S'worth the trouble."

Rude stared at his friend incredulously at the statement. "You copped a feel, didn't you?"

"Of course not! What kind of man do you take me for?" Reno scoffed. He paused. "Did you?"

"I did not. I'm not the kind of person to take advantage of a lady."

"Really? 'Cuz I was lying, I totally copped one." He grinned. "Pretty boy's got a nice ass for having a stick shoved so far up there."

"You're vile." Rude commented half-heartedly. He watched absently as Reno leaned over Cloud, reaching for the zipper of his shirt- "What the HELL are you doing, Reno?"

"Just taking a look. No harm there, yeah?"

"Okay, that's it- Groping is one thing, but if you start undressing him, I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to tell on you."

"Please, you're guilty, too, yo." Reno commented, stepping towards his friend after having apparently giving up his attempts at sneaking a peek.

"How I am I guilty of anything?" Rude asked. Reno reached forward to grab his hand, and abruptly shoved the borrowed appendage onto Tifa's chest.

"There. Now you copped one, too." He grinned.

Rude snatched his hand back quickly. "You're such an ass."

"We both know life's more fun that way." Reno grinned. He made his way towards the door again, but paused before leaving. Quickly he walked back over to the bed, and, in one quick motion, pulled down the zipper to Tifa's shirt.

"What the HELL, man?"

"I just always wondered if they were real." Reno commented. "Besides, it's her own fault for wearing a shirt that opens so easy." He poked at one of the soft mounds. "Huh. Whaddya know, I think they are."

"Zip her damned shirt back up!"

"It's fine, she's wearing a bra, yo."

"That does not make it okay, Reno!"

"It makes it more okay than if she wasn't, though, yeah?"

"Just fix her shirt, Asshole."

"Nah. You're the one that actually cares, why don't you do it?"

"Because that would require looking, and I, unlike you, am enough of a gentleman NOT undress innocent, _unconscious_ , people."

"Whatever." Reno said offhandedly. He waltzed towards the door.

"What are you- you can't leave her like that! She'll KNOW you undressed her!"

"I'll say it was you."

"Like anyone would believe that."

"Nah, but it'll be funny anyway. I'm raiding the kitchen, yo."

"Reno!" Rude tried to object, but the redhead was already out the door.

Rude sighed. "Asshole." He muttered, quickly glancing over at the bed, zipping up Tifa's shirt in one quick jerk and turning to the door. "Why am I even friends with that guy?"

An hour later, after the pair had awoken and the Turks left to search for clues, Cloud noticed something odd.

"What the hell- Why are my pants unbuttoned?"


End file.
